An A for Aphorisms

My Dad has always been full of them.
Irreverent, welcome, and often instructional, his farm-bred aphorisms were plentiful. They served as a reminder to search for humor wherever possible, and to search even harder where it seemed impossible. I learned early on that the best humor is savored at someone else's expense, and you can run that tab up pretty high- but only if you regularly foot the bill yourself.

There were definitely some he wore out, but that was to be expected when repeatedly trying them out on new guests, absolute strangers, and my buddies who'd already heard them, always with the simple hope of getting a laugh.

Some of these don't strictly qualify as aphorisms (n. a pithy saying; a maxim.), but they were definitely part of the curriculum. Feel free to choose, overuse, and abuse any from the following categories:


Social Conflict:

-"That guy's got a head you'd never get tired of kicking."

-"He should be shot with a ball of his own shit."

-"I only had to put up with him for a few hours- he's got to live with himself for the rest of his life."


Physical Attributes (a rich source):

-Buck-teeth: "He could eat an apple through a picket fence."

-Chesty: "She's got a lot to look forward to."

-Elderly: "When I get to be that age, I hope I have the strength to lie down."

-Unkempt: "Looks like something that fell out of a tree."

-Tall: "a long streak of shit."

-Hair-piece/bad dye-job: "Who the *&%$ does he think he's fooling- is he fooling you?!"

-Large head- see Social Conflict...


Driver's Education:

-At light behind slow driver:

a) "Buddy, it doesn't get any greener."
b) "Any particular shade of green you're waiting for?"

-"Unintentional" tire-squealing: "Oooh, the track's a bit fast there..."

-Accident avoidance:

When a driver at the intersection ahead edges out to cross your path: "Yeah, you pull out and I'll hit you, you son-of-a-bitch." (growled with fake fury but genuine glee.)


Job Frustration:

-"Sometimes I feel my job around here is trying to put the shit back in the goose."

-"In another hundred years it won't matter."

-"If it was any better I couldn't stand it."


Psychological Assessment:

-"She's as happy as if she were in her right mind."

-"He was crazier than a shit-house rat."

-Now, this next one requires an intro:
My parents were visiting here in L.A., and as we drove north on Fairfax Ave. to Sunset Blvd., an obnoxious mansion loomed ahead, front and center, in the Hollywood Hills. Dad's response:

"There's always one cow that has to stand on top of the shit pile."


Fine Dining:

Just one here, and my brothers and I bullied him out of using this one pretty early in the game. But, for it's short life, he sure did get into it. To be announced dramatically as a sort of hillbilly bon appetit:

"You know, I was born and raised on a farm, and the food wasn't always good, but there was always lots of 'er- so get at 'er!"

Courting/Sex:

-At a naive 16, I told my Dad, when questioned, that I intended to take my date to the local theater to see a movie. My brain broke wide open when he replied: "Yeah- good place to get your hands wet."

-Soul-mates: "No matter how f*#ked up someone is, there's a perfect match out there for everybody."

-Frustration/hostility: "You gotta get it out of you." (also used to explain unlikely choice of mate.)


...enter subgroup of euphemisms for the Act itself:

Maintenance: a) "getting your ashes hauled"
b) "getting your pipes cleaned"

Astronomy: "kicking for the stars"

Calisthenics: "running the four-legged race"


On Marriage to Mom:

-Determined suitor: "I chased her and chased her until she caught me."

-Strict vitamin regimen: "I take these to make her feel better."

Thanks for the lessons and laughs, Dad- keep 'em coming!